Once in a while I get a really good idea, but this wasn’t one of those times. I don’t know what possessed me to volunteer eight dozen embroidered dish towels for the PTA auction. I don’t embroider. I also don’t knit, crochet, cross stitch or sew, except for corn bags, which really don’t count anyway.

Nevertheless, I committed myself to providing these great fundraising items in time for the annual carnival and boutique auction. There was only one possible solution: I called my mother.

“Hello?” I heard her voice at the other end of the line, but somehow I couldn’t get any words out.

“Hello!” she said again. There was a slight pause, then she rattled of her spam speech:

“I don’t need aluminum siding, thank you, even if your crew will be on my street tomorrow, nor do I wish to express my opinion for or against any political parties, religious groups, or solutions to the world’s problems. I do not suffer from cancer, heart disease, acne, hemorrhoids or erectile dysfunction, and therefore need no remedies for same. I like my breasts the size they are. I do not contribute to any charity that solicits by telephone, and my final resting place has already been chosen. If none of the above applies to you, speak up or hang up. Your choice.”

I waited just the tiniest moment, but before I got the first word out, Mom said, “Kate that’s you, isn’t it? What did you volunteer for this time?”

I never got even close to the prompt on this one, but it was fun anyway.